Beware the Butt Cooties

Dr. Carm would like to thank Diana Gabaldon for permitting her to post her writings on Butt Cooties. Diana Gabaldon…sounds familiar? Well, you’re right! She is the author of the Outlander series, Lord John Grey series, and scholarly works. For more information about Diana Gabaldon click here

Anyway, I know you are all extremely concerned about understanding butt-cooties, so here it is:

A BRIEF DISQUISITION ON THE EXISTENCE OF BUTT-COOTIES

[Copyright 2010 Diana Gabaldon]


(Gentlemen, kindly avert your eyes)

Having lived to my present advanced age, I've spent a lot of time in public restrooms. And, having been a scientist in my previous professional incarnation, I can't help observing things, and drawing statistical inferences. Which is why I am in a position to inform you that roughly half the female population of the US suffer from the twin delusions that 1) butt-cooties exist, and 2) they will, given half a chance, leap several inches from a toilet seat and burrow into the skin of an unsuspecting buttock, resulting in scrofula, assorted STD's, herpes, and probably leprosy.

I draw these conclusions from the fact that roughly half the time I enter a public restroom cubicle, I observe that the previous user has peed on the seat. Ladies…

I can only guess that at some point in an impressionable youth, these women were told by some female authority figure that One Must Never SIT On A Public Toilet, "because you might catch something." Firmly indoctrinated with this policy, they do not sit on public toilets. They hover. Ladies, ladies…

Look. The skin of the buttocks is actually pretty germ-free, owing to the fact that we normally keep them covered and don't (usually) touch other people, animals, etc. with them. Your butt is much cleaner—microbially-speaking—than are your hands.

Various studies of the bacterial content of public restrooms indicate that there are a LOT more germs on the door of said restroom than there are on any toilet seat therein. You acquire millions more microbes by shaking hands with someone than you would if our social system involved mutual butt-rubbing. (To say nothing of the teeming worlds of microorganisms you acquire every time you accept change from the counter-guy at Burger King. How many of you race to the bathroom and scrub your hands after ordering the meal, but before eating it? )


In order actually to catch one of the communicable diseases with which excrement or other bodily fluids are associated, two things would have to occur: 1) the bodily fluid of an infected person would have to be applied to the toilet seat (which would not happen, if said person would sit her bottom on the potty where it belongs and not spray the thing like a hippopotamus), and 2) an uninfected person's mucous membranes must come in contact with said fluids, within the few seconds that most bacteria and virii can survive outside the human body. You don’t have mucous membranes on your buttocks.

Now, by and large, urine really doesn't contain all that many bacteria (Male urine contains almost none, owing to the fact that its exit is, um, less impeded by surrounding tissue. A good many alchemical and medical recipes up through the early 19th century require "urine of a newborn male child" as an ingredient—this being the most sterile water available). Feces…well, yes. And I have in fact encountered the Really Nasty evidence that there are not only seat-pee-ers, but also seat-poopers (to say nothing of the occasional person who is so afraid of physically encountering a public toilet that they actually don't hit it at all, and leave the evidence of their mental derangement on the floor of the facility), but this is fortunately rare.

All right. In periods of heavy traffic, one might possibly encounter a live bacterium or virus present in the urine that some inconsiderate idiot has left on a toilet seat. Not likely, but faintly possible. Are you going to encounter it with your mucous membranes? Not unless your excretory habits are both Highly Athletic and Dang Unusual.

OK. So if the risk of catching a bacterial or viral disease by sitting on a dry toilet seat is negligible, then plainly, the Thing to Fear must be…Butt-cooties!

Traveling as much as I do, I am in a position to collect international data, albeit in an anecdotal and unstandardized manner. On the basis of such casual observation, though, I hypothesize that while butt-cooties presently have a fairly wide global distribution, they probably originated in the United States. Speaking generally, at least fifty percent of all public toilets in US airports, convenience stores, museums, and restaurants indicate evidence of infestation (judging from the aversive techniques employed by the patrons). European toilets have a much lower incidence—perhaps 10-15%.

(Point of etiquette: ought one to meet the eyes of, and/or nod to, a person emerging from a toilet cubicle that one proposes to enter? Common politeness would argue for such cordial acknowledgement—but if the next few seconds reveal that the departing patron was possessed of butt-cooties, this might lead one to think harsh and unchristian thoughts of said person, and surely it's worse to think unchristian thoughts (WWJD? I'm pretty sure He wouldn't pee on a public toilet seat, and if He did, He would certainly wipe it off. Ditto the Buddha, and doubtless any other religious figure you care to name) about someone whose face is imprinted in your short-term memory, than of an unknown quantity.)

In fact, we might hypothesize the geographical origin of butt-cooties as having occurred in or near Chicago. On what basis? Well, of all the airports I've been in (and I've been in a lot of airports, from New Zealand to Saskatchewan), only O'Hare International has public toilets equipped with a sliding cylinder of plastic sheeting that encases the seats; you wave your hand in front of a magic button, and voila! The plastic slides round the seat, and you are presented with a pristine surface on which to park your booty. Such is the prevailing fear of butt-cooties, though, that people pee on these toilet seats, too.

Well, there's no arguing with psychological aberration, and thus I make no attempt to persuade Those Who See Butt-Cooties away from their convictions. I would, though, urge them—in the most kindly manner—to address the results of their antisocial psychosis, and thus leave them with this classic advice:

"If you sprinkle when you tinkle—

Please be neat, and wipe the seat."

To see the original posting by Diana Gabaldon, please click here

For more information on her books, click here

This has been posted with permission by the author.

Related Postings:
I Have Fan Art
Patient #9: OCBD
Patient #10: JFFGD

I'm Sick: To go or Not to Go

Post 1: I haven’t been to a doctor in a while can be found here
Post 2: Checkup can be found here

I’m Sick: To Go or Not to Go

Not feeling well? That’s too bad! Could you just take a few steps back? A little more…there! Good! Dr. Carm doesn’t want to get sick. Okay, so you are wondering when you should see a doctor. You’re sick but obviously not dying (yes, I know—it feels like it.) Here’s a simple way for doctors to know if they should see you (besides the symptoms of course):

If they need your money = tell the patient to come in.

If they are too busy = tell them stay home.

Nice and easy, right?

So, let’s talk about you as a patient. First rule, whenever you care in complete doubt as to whether to see the doctor or not, call the doctor’s office.

If you are medically inclined (like Dr. Carm), you can do some research on your symptoms. Unfortunately, most websites will probably tell you that you are dying (which isn’t exactly false) or that you have cancer or some weird disease you can’t pronounce. In this case, Dr. Carm has made a list for you. Here are some signs where you should call your doctor (in no particular order):

·         Repeated episodes (dizziness, sleep problems, fatigue, headaches, weight gain or loss, pain, nauseas, vomiting, diarrhea, constipation, abdominal pain, depression or anxiety, panic attacks, pelvic pain)

·          Possibility of a STD (sexual transmitted disease)

·          Numbness

·          Persistent swelling, nosebleeds, jaw pain

·          Blood in stool or urine

·          Severe and persistent sore throat or coughing

·          Hearing loss

·          Severe injuries (cuts/wounds/animal bites that break skin/puncture wounds)

·          Thoughts of suicide

·          Hearing voices

·          Blurry or double vision

·          Eye pain or excessive eye discharge

·          Sensitivity to light

·          Shortness of breath/wheezing

·          Rashes or welts that do not clear up

·          Serious burns or blisters

·          Mole changes

·          Sore that won’t heal

·          Unusual lumps

·          Bleeding during pregnancy

·          Menstrual changes (prolonged, heavy, missed periods, vaginal discharge)

·          Pain during intercourse

[Remember: If you are Dr. Carm’s patient—don’t contact her, she’ll contact you]

As always, if you have any questions for Dr. Carm, don’t hesitate to ask. She is the best uncertified doctor out there!

Related Postings:  
Preparing for Your Appointment
Checkups
Diagnosed But Not Happy
Health Insurance
Calling Off of Work
Sneeze Record
What Does Your Hair Say About Your Health

Preparing for Your Appointment

This posting is split up into the following:

Post 1: I haven’t been to a doctor in a while: What to expect and do

Post 2: Checkups

Post 3: I’m sick: To go or not to go

Post 4: Diagnosed but not happy

Post 5: Health insurance and payments help (US focus only)

I haven’t been to a doctor in a while: What to expect and do

First off, this is completely understandable. Dr. Carm hasn’t been practicing professionally until recently, so you had no choice but to see a “certified” physician. Doctors can seem scary; they might even be crazy! They hold the power of you ignorant bliss in the palm of the rubber-gloved hand. As a fake doctor, I must insist that it is important to go, even if you are healthy. When you go for a checkup, it gives the doctor a chance to discover any potential problems and fix them before they get out of hand.

“I don’t need a lecture, Dr. Carm. This is precisely why I hate going. I’m not scared of dying [or, I don’t care if I die]. I rather not know if something is wrong.” Yep, Dr. Carm heard you. She has those kinds of skills!

Believe it or not, Dr. Carm has felt that way, too. (This was obviously before she became doctor.) What you want to do is find a doctor that suits you. Dr. Carm is extremely busy and cannot see every person. Therefore, it is a good idea to shop around for a certified physician (preferably one under your insurance, if you have any.) If you visit a doctor that you do not feel comfortable with, you don’t have to go back. Look around some more until you find one that can understand your needs. Not everyone’s personalities get along. Therefore, don’t feel bad if you feel the need to change doctors.

The internet provides loads of information on different offices. If you know that you have some digestive problems, than look for an office that has a doctor that specializes in that area (gastroenterology). There are offices that cover multiple specialties, conduct their own blood tests, include physical therapy, allergy testing, pediatrics, radiology, sleep medicine, etc. Research the doctors available at that office. Consider this: Do you feel more comfortable seeing a male or female doctor? Look at their specialties. Will this benefit you? How far is the office? What are their hours? Ask your friends and relatives about their doctors? What do they like or dislike about them and how the office is run? If you cannot find something on their website or by asking friends, call the office and get your information. Don’t worry. They can’t bite over the phone, and you don’t have to make an appointment right then and there. [If they heard of and support Dr. Carm’s practice, then go with that office no matter what. These are really smart people!!!]

Okay, so let’s say you found a doctor that you feel will work with you and is almost as great as Dr. Carm. (We all know that she’s the best. Let’s not deny that part! But, other doctors can be good, too.) Now what?

Well, you’ll want to prepare for your appointment. Although you might think this means panic attacks, sleepless nights, and alcohol, there are some other things that you should be ready to provide.

First, most offices provide their paperwork online for you to fill out ahead of time. Take a look and take your time filling out those forms. This means:

·         Know your insurance information. Call your HR department if you have any questions over copays or coverage. It’s best to know what is covered now than getting stuck with a large bill later.

·         The forms will ask you about your health, family medical history, allergies, shots, etc.
By preparing for your appointment, you have a chance to ask family or close friends if you are unsure about any family’s medical history. Stay within the immediate family: Children, parents, grandparents, aunt, uncles, and cousins. If you are adopted, then provide whatever information you know. It might be limited, but it would be helpful to the physician. Major diseases or medical problems such as cancers, heart disease, diabetes, cholesterol, thyroid disease, mental illnesses, etc. should be disclosed. Things like “Uncle Buck lost his finger while teaching shop class” and “Great grandma got bitten by her hog three times in five years before she died” are not necessarily helpful information (although they are interesting conversation starters.) You can post those stories down below for Dr. Carm’s enjoyment.
Know your own medical history. For instance, are you up to date on vaccinations? No idea? Don’t panic. It’s okay if you don’t remember all the vaccinations. They won’t give you all the shots again because you aren’t sure. Think of any continuing illnesses or pains. Is there something that is bothering you but you’re not quite sure what it is? This is the time to mention it. You know your body better than anyone else. Take the time to think about it and ask if this is something that should be looked into. Most of the time there is no big concern. It can also be a sign of something else, perhaps a hormone imbalance. These little bits of extra information can help the doctor determine if anything is wrong, and if something needs to be done, what exactly should be done.
List your medications. Yes, this includes supplements! Supplements can cause interactions with other medications. You also want to let them know if you had any problems with prior medication such as penicillin. We don’t want you to turn into the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man from anaphylactic shock!

The forms will also ask for health habits. This would be things like smoking, wearing a seatbelt while driving, caffeine intake, drug use, and alcohol consumption. Be truthful! We all have bad habits (except Dr. Carm, of course.)

·         If you have questions, write them down ahead of time. There can be so much information passing between you and your doctor in the appointment that you might forget to ask. If you do, just call back later. If you are going to the doctors because of a concern, write down your symptoms. When did they start? What is their intensity? What makes you feel better [you might want to consider other alternatives to mention besides drinking until passing out]? What makes you feel worse? Do the symptoms go away? How long do they typically last? What are some other symptoms that you have that you don’t think are related? And, why do you think this?

After the appointment, make sure you do any necessary follow ups, such as blood test or other appointments. Try to make the appointment that same day or call back within 24-28 hours. In the meantime, a lot of places offer online access to health care. Take advantage of it. For example, you can view your blood results online. Some doctors have services online, where you can ask questions without stepping inside the office.

And, of course, if you have any questions for Dr. Carm, don’t hesitate to ask. She is the best uncertified doctor out there!

Picture: Stay Puft Marshmallow Man is from the Ghostbusters movie (1984)

Related Posting:
Checkups 
I'm Sick (when to go to the doctor's) 
Diagnosed But Not Happy
Health Insurance

About this Page

This section contains legitimate information in the medical world. [Yes, Dr. Carm can be serious if obliged.] Information will cover a wide range of topics including: supplements, doctor visits, certain conditions and diseases, and other useful information. Topics will more than likely be written in a light, easy to read manner with links and sources to information for further self study. If you would like to submit a topic that interests you, please email Dr. Carm at drcarmelee@gmail.com, and it may be used in future posts!